you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
