Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
