i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
be right there i have to get my cape
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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