it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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