I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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