So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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