you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
