it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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