You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
