I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
