I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
