i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
