I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
