So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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