he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have tasted many bathrooms
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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