paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
