yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
