i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
