Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
