forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
