I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
