I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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