I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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