sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
