Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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