Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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