Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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