my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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