i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
