i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
