So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
