Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
