I'm gonna have a badass scar
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
