tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
