I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
