My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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