In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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