I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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