I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
