If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
