Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
