Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
