Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
