Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
