So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I party with great urgency now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
