in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
