And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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