just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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