If that was your dad, he is hot
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
