genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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