I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
