I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
