dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
