I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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