Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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