She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
