The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
