Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
